Adoption

Forgiveness

This is something I struggle with, and my husband will be the first person to nod his head in agreement.

Forgiveness.

It’s this really annoying concept where you let go of how people have hurt you or people you know.

I’ve been struggling with forgiving the parents of the child I’m fighting so desperately for.

The child is a twin. However, the parents chose to take home the healthy twin and leave my beautiful little one at the hospital. Ever since I heard that, I’ve just been so angry, especially at the mother. How dare she?! How dare she abandon her child just for the sake of not wanting to ‘deal with’ her child’s disability. How can you just abandon your child and walk away with your perfect little family. If she would have done a little research, his condition leaves him with the potential to live a perfectly ‘normal’ life, but that isn’t even the point. the point is that how dare you leave your child behind?! It will never make sense to me.

But in those areas, parents are encouraged to leave their kids if they’re any less than perfect. Not just encouraged, but pressured. Maybe the mom so desperately wanted to take her other baby home, but she felt that she had no other option. Maybe her husband convinced her she wasn’t intelligent enough to take care of her own child. Maybe it wasn’t as simple as just walking away from her beautiful baby. Maybe she left the hospital in tears, filled with guilt about leaving her child behind. Maybe she cried for days, and even cries today, knowing that she abandoned her child. Maybe she wishes she could go back and change things. Maybe she doesn’t even try to forget because she knows it’s her job as a mother to care about her children.

The truth is, I don’t know the circumstances. I don’t know exactly what happened. Maybe she really is as bad as I think she is and willingly abandoned her child. But maybe there’s more to the story. Maybe she feels empty and aches for her baby. I don’t know. I struggle every day, trying to piece together the idea that it’s perfectly acceptable to leave your child behind. But I never will. I wasn’t raised that way. But maybe she was. Maybe she lives in a society where it’s not just acceptable, but forced. Maybe she really didn’t have much of a choice when it came to leaving her baby behind.

I struggle everyday knowing this. Even after I get my little one home, years from now, when my beautiful child asks why he was even at the orphanage. What happened to his birth mom? Did he have any siblings? I have no idea what I’m going to say. I know that my heart will fill with pain, and the fear that his heart will break. I pray every day that God will give me the strength to say what I’m supposed to say, in the way I’m supposed to say it. I beg Him that I won’t lash out in anger over the abandonment over a child. He still deserves to grieve and love his birth mother, even if he never knew her. It is not my job to tear that away from him.

I struggle every day with forgiving her. I struggle every day with wondering what is going on over there. While I’m struggling just to meet regulations, I don’t know what is happening to him. The only thing that brings me through every day is believing that there’s someone special. There’s someone wrapping their arms around him, cuddling him, telling him that he’s special and wonderful and that Mommy will be on the way soon.

I struggle with the fact every day that Mommy may not be me. It might be some other wonderful woman who will be able to take him out of that wretched place before I can. He might already be placed with someone in his own country. There’s no way of knowing until I get there. These are the things that I struggle with. But it doesn’t make him any less important to me. Until I know that he’s already spoken for, I’m going to give it all I’ve got. I’m going to work on forgiving his mother, forgiving his country for putting him in the terrible position he’s in. I’m going to work on forgiving myself for being selfish for too long and not noticing him sooner.

I have to be an example to both my biological son and the soon-to-be adopted one. I have to be able to say what I did in order to forgive. I have to be able to say that I did forgive. I know I will someday, and it will be someday soon.

Honestly, it will probably be the moment I hold him in my arms. It will probably be the day that I can call him mine. I’ll probably thank her. I’ll thank her for giving me the opportunity to love and care for this child where she was unable to. I’m sure that I’ll be an emotional mess of conflicting emotions. I’m sure that once I finally get him home, and I see him and Axel embrace, I’m sure I’ll be able to forgive her, and not even worry about it again. I’m sure that I will be so thankful that he will be home and he’ll be mine.

I hope that one day he’ll be able to forgive me for waiting so long. For waiting so long to take him home, and for being so angry at his birth mother. I truly hope so.

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