I’m going to be honest for a second.
I am terrified.
I am legitimately, 100% terrified that this is never going to happen.
That I’m not going to bring my little man (or little men, who knows) home.
Honestly, the odds are against me.
It’s not the amount of money we have to raise. No, I have been blown away by the support I’m receiving for the yard and bake sale I’m having soon. I’m realizing that it definitely takes a village, and I am so excited to be a part of this one.
It’s the amount of money we have to make per year.
Seriously. It is literally triple what we’re making now. I know I’m emphasizing a lot, but its how I feel. Actually, if we’re being technical, it’s 3.7 times what we’re making now. That’s almost quadruple what we’re making now.
It honestly makes me want to quit. I mean, seriously. It’s never going to happen so I should just stop now instead of getting my hopes up.
Stop that right now.
I know that there’s someone else out there feeling the same way that I am, and it probably isn’t even about adoption. It may be something financial, it may be a test you have to take, a question you have to ask, or something you have to prove.
Do you have any idea who’s fighting for you? Do you have any idea who is on your side?
Look, I’m preaching to myself, too. Don’t think that this is advice I’m giving and not taking myself.
I am literally in tears as I’m writing this, because it is something that is literally being drilled into my head right now.
And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us. And if our God is with us, then who could against.
This is one of my favorite songs. It gives me goosebumps when I hear it. The truth of it just smacks me in the face.
We have to realize that we’re not fighting alone.
It feels weird to say it. I don’t talk about my faith a lot, especially not on something where a lot of people read it. But I am so done being worried about what other people are going to think about me.
This whole process has drawn me so much closer to God. I haven’t delved into the Bible like I should, I don’t pray like I should, but I sure have no other choice but to lean on Him. There really is nothing else for me to do. Really, there’s no way that we can make this jump in the timeframe we’re looking at, not on our own. But with God, all things are possible.
It is at the moment that there is nowhere else to turn, that God says, “ahh, ok. They’re ready.” He steps in when we have no other choice. The process would generally be much easier if we just turn to Him first, but we’re stubborn little kids who want to see if our way works, and He lets us. Generally it doesn’t work quite right, and that’s when we have to take a step back and let Him take the lead.
That’s where I’m at right now.
I refuse to listen to the little voice in my head that tells me that this will never happen.
I refuse to listen to the screaming in my mind telling me that I’m not a good enough mom.
I refuse to feel guilt for the amount of time I’ve wasted.
It is time for me to listen to the only voice that matters. To quote the band Casting Crowns, it’s time to listen to the voice of truth. To the one voice that really matters.
The voice that tells me that my son is waiting for me, and he’s going to come home in the perfect time. I’m sick of waiting, but I’m sick of feeling hopeless more. It’s time to stand up, give up our control and let God do what He does best.
It’s time to step back, and listen to what He is really saying.
I realize that I’ve ignored His voice for a while now. I wanted all of this to come easy. I wanted it to just fall in our lap and be this huge miracle. But we have to prove that we’re willing to work for it. I have to prove that I’m going to do whatever it takes to get my son home.
God, it’s time for You to step in and do Your thing, because I am too tired to keep going the way I’m going.
I can’t wait to see what happens.