Blessed and Oh So Humbled

I’m going to be seriously real with you all for a second.

Is that OK?

I hope so, because I’ve just got to get it off of my chest.

I have been ridiculously selfish.

Remarkably selfish.

Embarrassingly selfish.

I have met a wonderful group of people through Reece’s Rainbow, the adoption advocation and grant organization through which I found our son. Almost all of them are in the process of adopting and it is such an amazing thing to be a part of. I love seeing everyone’s updates. I love being there to cry with them, laugh with them, and get excited with them. Most of these wonderful people I haven’t even met before, but I have gotten so close with and I wouldn’t trade these friendships for anything.

But I didn’t want anyone else to know.

I didn’t want to share their stories.

I didn’t want others to see what they were doing and help them out.

Because I wanted the attention.

I wanted the support.

I wanted to be the one who was most important.

And I am so ashamed.

I am so angry at myself.

Yesterday, it clicked. Something was tugging at my heart telling me that I needed to get over myself. But I ignored it, as I have been for over a month. But then it hit me. I have been feeling remarkable guilt because I couldn’t be there for my son when he was in the hospital, yet I have no qualms with being remarkably self-centered? Was this the kind of behavior I wanted my boys to think was ok? Then I felt sick to my stomach. I was doing the exact thing that I get so upset at others for doing. And I couldn’t take it anymore. So I finally gave in.

Reece’s Rainbow (RR) helps families out by providing a Family Sponsorship Program (FSP). It’s a grant that people can donate to in order to help with these crazy adoption costs. I saw one family’s FSP show up on the RR Facebook page that was still at zero. So I decided to do something about it. Instead of just donating, I advocated for them. I told them that I would match the next $20 that made it into their FSP. The next morning, double that had been donated. Then I added my $20 and I felt good about it. In fact, by the next evening, they had triple digits in their account!

Then I saw that a friend of mine’s FSP hadn’t moved in weeks. This was a local RR momma who is on her third adoption. She leaves to pick up her daughter next month and yet was still a ginormous amount short. I offered that same $20 match. That same night, after seeing that I had matched that $20, an anonymous donor offered a $200 matching donation. So once another $200 had been donated, she would donate ANOTHER $200. I was ecstatic. I was over the moon. I suddenly was bouncing in my seat, I couldn’t wait to see these donations come in. I suddenly had my mind not focused on my own needs, but on those of others.

I was glued to my phone all night. I couldn’t wait to find out what was going on. And suddenly other people started advocating. Other people, whether they could give or not, shared what we were trying to do. I found out not long ago that the donations were met and the donor would have their donation in shortly.

I felt like I was part of something special. An anonymous donor came to me, wanting to help in any way that she could. This family who had zero in their account just a couple days ago has finally got the ball rolling, and has thanked me for getting it started.

None of this would have happened if I would have just kept my arms crossed. None of this would have happened if I just would have pouted about it. I’m not saying all of this to try to sound special or important. In fact, I’m sure God would have found someone else who would’ve listened, but then I would have missed out on such a huge blessing. I feel so personally invested in these families lives. I feel like I’m a part of something so much bigger than myself. It gives me hope that when it comes time, people will step forward and advocate for us and our son. I feel so BLESSED to be a blessing to other people. I’m fighting the guilt of not starting sooner. But I’m happy I stepped up when I did, and I decided to just give it a chance.

I’m also saying this because I’m hoping to inspire someone. Sometimes it feels like there’s nothing you can do because you don’t have anything to give. But even so much as offering kind words or sharing a post has the ability to change a life. I know first-hand how good it feels when people share a cause that’s close to my heart. It may only be a little bit, but every little bit adds up to so much more than you ever thought it could be.

I am so blessed. And I am so humbled. I feel like this is something to be proud of, something for my boys’ to proud of. No more guilt, and no more being ashamed of what I have or haven’t done. I’m just going to put my heart and soul into being a momma that my boys will be proud of.

That’s what this whole thing is all about.