Adoption

My Sweet Girl, My Sweet Hannah

Anyone who knows me will tell you I am serious when I want to save them all.

Seriously.

I know everyone says that, but not everyone means it. But I’m not saying it to be cliché, I’m saying it because everything in my power wants to give every single child in need of a family a home. My dream is to have a HUGE farmhouse so I can adopt these kids and give them all a home and a momma and all of the care that they need.

Thank goodness for Reece’s Rainbow. I know I brag on them a lot, but seriously, thank goodness for them. Although I want to bring them all home myself, it’s just not possible. But through RR, I can do my part. I can advocate, donate, write about, pray, give support. All of these things help these kids into homes.

For some reason, God decided to give me a love for writing. My whole life I thought that I would write novels (and I still might) and amazing, award winning articles for my favorite magazines (again, I still might). But right now, all I can think about are these kids. These kids have become my life. I’m consistently thinking of ways that I can help my husband bring in more money so we can qualify to bring home more kids (and we haven’t even brought home our son yet).

But I’ve been fighting it for a while now. I just told you guys how selfish I was in my last post, but we’re all human, right? I’m realizing how self-centered I’ve become, and I didn’t even realize that was possible when it came to giving children a home. But, alas, God loves to reveal things to you in places that you least expect them.

There’s a little girl on RR. This little girl grabbed onto my heart and has danced away with it. Oh I would give anything to get her home. Hannah, my sweet sweet Hannah. However, that’s not what I thought when I first saw her.

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When I first saw her picture, I just kind of took note and kept looking. All I saw was a cute little girl with significant needs. But then a video was shared on the RR Facebook group of her. It was a clip of her on the news in her home country. Oh she was magical. She danced around, played with a hat, and she was the most darling thing. The first thought I had was, “Oh my goodness she’s so sweet! She needs a momma! Someone needs to bring her home.”

The second thought I had makes me sick to think about.

“I could never do it; I could never adopt a child with needs so great. Too many unknowns, and so much work.”

Oh my goodness did I get a reality check. I couldn’t sleep for two days. I put the blame on my snoring husband, but his snoring didn’t cause the sickness I felt in my gut.

Finally, on the third night, I just laid there. I chastised myself. I was so upset for being so awful, and for thinking that this girl wasn’t worthy of being my daughter.

And then, finally, in one of the (far and few between) quiet moments in my mind, God finally had a chance to get a word in.

“What makes you so great? What makes you so much better than her? What if she was born to you, what then? Would you abandon her, too? Would you become one of the despicable people in her own country that said her life wasn’t worth it?”

Oh I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I was so angry at myself. Not everyone is cut out to be an adoptive parent to a child with significant needs, and I understand that. But it wasn’t because I didn’t have the money, resources, time, or energy. It was because all I could think about was myself. All I could think about was the time and effort I would have to put in to try so hard to undo the damage.

I was so humbled. I thought that it was God’s way of telling me that she was my daughter. And oh boy I got excited. I thought of all the things that she could do and be. I thought of her playing on a farm with her brothers. I thought of having a full dinner table and an even fuller heart.

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But I never got the confirmation.

With our son that we’re adopting, I knew the moment I looked at him he would be something special. God put him in my heart in a way that felt like finding out I was pregnant.

But I never got that with Hannah.

Again, selfish me not wanting to share, I squirmed when I saw bringing attention to her again. I didn’t want anyone else to see her because I just wanted her to be mine. But it never happened.

Finally, I gave in and signed up to be her Guardian Angel. This is a program through RR that encourages people to sign up for advocating for a specific child. You can fundraise toward their grant, pray for them, blog about them, share them. I figured that if God really wanted me to be her mom, then it would happen. I announced to the group that I was her Guardian Angel and I was so proud. I promised a blog post was coming soon.

But then a day went by.

And then a week went by.

And stubborn me refused to write.

It was even hard to do homework because it’s like my hands instinctually knew that I was supposed to be writing about her. But I didn’t WANT to. I wanted her to be MINE. I cried over her. I prayed over her. I was humbled by her. Didn’t that entitle me to being her mom? I mean, why would God do this to me?! Why would he break me down like that without letting me be her mom?

But that’s not how this works.

If all who cried and desired to be a child’s mom actually became their mom, I don’t think there’d be any children left to adopt.

So finally, I felt release. I finally accepted the fact that I am not her mom. But I did commit to being her Guardian Angel and it is my duty to advocate for her until she gets home.

Right now, I know that her mom is reading this. I know it. Her mom has been watching her videos, saving her pictures, and contemplating her needs with her husband. She’s biting her lip and wondering if she can handle a child with needs so great. I honestly feel that her mom has already committed to her in her heart, but she’s so afraid to make it official, to put this child’s life in her hands.

But I’m here to tell you that you aren’t alone. She has over $10,000 in her grant, and there are so many people that will help you get the rest of the way there. There is an army of people willing to support you financially, emotionally, and spiritually. It is going to be difficult, and you’re going to have to go through a lot once she is home. But it is going to be so worth it. You’re going to have a beautiful little girl in your home, who will eventually become a young woman. Maybe she’ll become a ballerina, or a soccer player, or a model. Maybe she’ll want to be just like you when she grows up.

But the most important thing is that she has you for a mom.

That at the end of the day, she has a mommy and a daddy to tuck her in at night. She has a momma to go shopping with and a daddy to dance with.

I am getting SO carried away and this became so much longer than I initially intended. But I’m just saying what I feel, and I’m not holding back.

Please see Hannah. Really truly see her. Bring her home into a loving family.

She deserves it.

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4 thoughts on “My Sweet Girl, My Sweet Hannah

  1. Pingback: 2017 Commitments

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