It’s days like today that I just feel so powerless.

So broken.

I feel like I almost shouldn’t be happy, because it’s not fair to those in mourning,

A few weeks ago, it was announced that a child in Roman’s country passed away. Then today, another one. Both of these boys had cheerleaders, and families head over heels in love with them, shouting them home. They did receive committed families, and they were giving everything they had to get their boys home.

But, in this case, it didn’t happen. These boys didn’t pass away unloved, but they didn’t know it. They didn’t realize that a mommy and daddy was coming to save the day. It can only be hoped that they were loved where they were at, despite the grim circumstances.

It’s days like today I hold my little Axel so tight. I squeeze him tighter than he wants, for longer than he wants. I am so blessed that he is here with me. But selfishly, all I can think about is my boy oversees. My sweet, beautiful little fighter. All I can think about is the pit in my stomach that I have no way of really knowing that he’s ok. I have no way of protecting him from whatever fate holds for him there.

We are stuck. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially stuck. And it is heart wrenching.

I feel like I have failed him. I feel like I have failed as a mom for not being there, right now. I don’t know what he’s facing. I don’t know what he goes through on a daily basis. I know he is in a war-torn country where children around him are wondering if they are going to see tomorrow.

This is urgent. It is imperative that I get him home sooner rather than later.

It is without a shadow of a doubt time to forgo everything else in life aside from my duty as a wife and a mother.

I can’t bear to see another child die without feeling the love in his mother’s smile. I can’t bear to see another little one leave this earth without feeling the protection of his daddy’s arms.

I can’t be there, and there’s nothing I can do to change that right now. But I can do everything in my power to get there.

And I will.

For those of you wondering why I am in such a hurry to get there, in such a hurry to save my son. In such a hurry to get him home and get ready to bring home more.

This is why. This is the reason why my whole life is turning upside down.

Because I was blessed enough to have a life, a future, a loving family. Because even though I’m a grown adult, sometimes I need my mommy to hold me and my daddy to tell me that he’ll fix it. These kids weren’t blessed with that. They are suffering a cruel fate that no child should ever have to deal with.

Adoption isn’t for everyone, but it’s for me. It’s my job as a mother, and I’m going to give it all I’ve got.


3 thoughts on “Heartbroken

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