Adoption

Sacrifice

This blog was meant to be like a journal for me. It’s meant to be a place where I can come and be 100% transparent about my life and our kids lives and everything going on. This is also supposed to be the place where I encourage others and lift children up and do everything I can to be positive and uplifting and open.

Right now I can’t and I’m having a very hard time processing it.

Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes life picks you up and Hulk-smashes you into the ground so hard that you don’t even realize how low you’ve sunk.

I will start by saying that God is SO good and I’m doing everything in my being to remember that.

A couple of months ago my husband landed what we thought to be an amazing job. So we picked up and moved an hour away from family because this meant we could finally proceed in getting our kids home. Without going into too much detail, I will say that he was basically lied to and we have been struggling because of it. Not long after we realized his job wasn’t going anywhere, but still unwilling to admit it, I went and found myself a part time job. Oh my goodness I couldn’t be happier with it. I love it. I love the people, the company, the environment, all of it. I’m still in the training phase until next week (early next week, I’m hoping. I’m ready to dive in) but I can tell you right now I love it. It doesn’t bring in a ton, but it’s something, and every bit is going to bring me closer to my kids.

Ian was also blessed with an amazing job. It’s full time and with a reputable company. It’s guaranteed income. Trust me, before I even got excited for his interview I made him do hours of research online and find personal reviews to make sure we weren’t getting screwed over again. When he did finally go into his interview a couple of days later, he was hired on the spot. They normally don’t do that, I guess. But they all loved him and thought he had great potential. A week later he started and he’s already taken off running. I know he’s going to do great.

I know that we’ll be ok. By the end of this month, things are going to get back on track and we’re going to make it out of this. Heck, it might just take a few weeks. But it’s just getting there. It’s accepting the fact that what I thought was hard is only going to get harder. So is life though. I understand and accept that this is one of the hardest things we’re ever going to do, but I also accept that it’s going to be one of the most rewarding.

When life hits, it hits hard. I feel like we got so far ahead and now we’re so far behind and it’s hard to not get stuck in the mud getting caught back up. But it’s ok. We’re doing everything we can right now, and that’s what matters.

With Ian and I both working, it’s very hard trying to figure out childcare. Aside from that, it’s hard not being around Axel all of the time. Of course he’s a toddler and drives me up a wall sometimes, but he’s my little boy and it kills me that he spends so much time at his grandparents’ house. I hate that I’m not playing with him and painting with him. I feel like I’m missing moments of his life that I will never get back.

But then I remember my kids. Then I remember Roman and Lynda. I remember that they’ve spent their entire lives waiting for me to show up and save them from their own personal hell. I remember that Roman has been waiting for me for over two years, and Lynda almost eight. So Axel spending a night or two away from me is going to be ok. It’s just for now – it’s just for the season. It’s just until I can get my kids home in my arms forever. In a strange way, I feel like Axel understands. He has a strange peace about all of it. Is he ever peaceful, no. Not in the least. But he doesn’t get angry and upset when we have to go to work. He’s always asking about “Moman and Leedah.” He can’t wait to be an awesome little brother, and in all actuality it’s the only thing getting me through this hard time.

God promised He’d get them home, but He never said it was going to be easy. There is so much that has to be done, and it’s hard to keep up with it all. But that’s part of being a momma. Dishes and grant paperwork and background checks and laundry and meal prepping and grocery shopping and fundraising. It’s a lot, but it is just a blip in what my children are having to endure while they’re waiting for me.

I can’t wait until the day that I can just be home and focus on my kids. That is what this is all for.

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